30 days of Nothing - week 3

3 weeks.

It has not been an easy 3 weeks.

Will you be surprised to find that my thoughts now are hardly ever on poverty or the needs of the world?  I feel bad admitting that.  I'm like a person plodding through the desert with an iron ball chained to my leg... one step after another...keep dragging the chain.  But I'm not thinking about why the chain is there.

That plodding rhythm has actually shaken loose some unexpected realizations...about areas I'm not comfortable sharing yet.    There are things to deal with that I didn't know were hidden under my self-numbing materialism...for that is what I've discovered first and foremost about myself:  I spend and buy to ease the stress.  I comfort myself with something new and exciting (at least for a moment).

I've also learned that my selfishness runs deeper than I could imagine.  After three weeks of not buying all I can think about is "when will this month be over?"  When I started I guess I thought a month was all it would take to dig that selfishness out.  That's pretty embarrassing.    

I am underwhelmed with myself.  Not beating myself up - just unimpressed.

We saved another $40 this week.   I am still on budget with the groceries.   Nine days and a lifetime of God's sculpting to go.

Comments

[Lyn]

Your honesty is what keeps me coming back. Just when I start thinking "that Tonia girl is out of my reach" you WOW me with a post like this that lets me know, you are just like me, just like the lady down the street, just like most of the world. You struggle and have to take a step back to see the real you and sometimes it ain't to pretty! That, my friend, is truth and honesty like nothing else. I applaud this mission. I applaud everyone who is looking deep into the mirror. Deeper than is really comfortable.

[Miz Booshay]

Oh, what an interesting post and remarkable journey you are on...one of self-discovery...

Sanctification is a long process....
you are on your way, Sweetie.

[Minna]

Isn't it said that it takes 21 days to form a habit? How long will it take to unform (if that is a verb) one? For me, clearly more than 21 days, since today is Day 22 and the first thing I thought of this morning was "oh I must remember to buy coffee".

I am impressed with you, and with everyone else who has taken this month to look at themselves in relation with money and spending. I know I will try to continue the journey :)

[owlhaven]

I can really relae to this post!

Mary

[owlhaven]

oops "relate"

[Stacey-Ann]

You're doing really well. I admire you for being so honest about what 30 Days of Nothing is like for you and for sticking with it. You're also teaching your children some valuable lessons and you're growing as a person too. Sometimes in order to change we have to go through some pain. I repeat, you're doing really well :-)

[Julana]

I have to laugh. :-)

[Pass the Torch]

Tonia - it sounds as though we're all experiencing very much the same thing. And I've struggled with the same feelings as you - "underwhelmed" pretty much sums it up.

But this doesn't overshadow what we've learned this month. And that's what I'm holding onto.

Thank you for starting us off on this journey. A very worthwhile one.

[Tonia]

Lyn, "You struggle and have to take a step back to see the real you and sometimes it ain't to pretty!"

More true than you know. Thanks for the encouragement.

Minna, Oh you make me smile! Thanks for *knowing*. I have a list of things I'm dying to buy too. But I want to have long-lasting change from this as well.

Thank you Stacey-Anne and Miz B...Mary, I read your post too, and thought how similar our experiences have been! :)

Julana, glad you can have a good laugh over it all.

Pass the Torch, we were posting at the same time! Yes, it has been different than I thought...but it really has been so good. I wonder if I won't look back and see that I've learned more than I realized?

[HeyJules]

Don't feel bad, Tonia. This whole week has been filled with me hearing myself think, "In so many more days I can go buy such and such."

UGH.

How much more convicting is God going to have to do to get this through my head?

In the meantime, I wait for the day when I can run the dishwasher again...

[Sarah]

You all are opening my eyes to the lives of women that I might never have known had it not been for blogs. I am truly inspired to change, to find and live in the me that God designed. I want to go deeper in my walk with Christ. I see that the journey is hard but worth it. I see that you are struggling with my struggles and that our God is pulling you through..... Thank you for the testimonies sisters.

[Listening...]

Today is Feast of Trumpets or Rosh Hashanah: "In the seventh month, on the first day of the month, you shall have a Sabbath-rest, a memorial of blowing of trumpets, a holy convocation." (Lev. 23:14)

Reading from "The Feasts of Adonai" this morning:

"Teshuva or repentance during the High Holy Days ends a 40 day period of soul searching that begins a month before Rosh HaShanah...People ask serious questions. 'What wrongs have I committed? What habits do I need to correct? What have I done with God's blessings?'"

Perhaps September was the perfect month, Biblically, to embark on this journey of soul-searching? Perhaps these 30 DoN have been a period of soul-searching for each of us, asking the serious questions... and then repenting.

"Sone believe that the forty days of teshuva correspond to the 40 days Jesus fasted in the wilderness."

Has this been our 40 days of fasting from materialism... our own "wilderness" of feeble sorts?

It has been good. Godly. I am changed.

With gratefulness....
Ann

[doodah]

Sigh. Miles to go before we're done, yes? The more I think about this, the more there is to think about. I am glad that our Father is gracious to us.

[Columbine]

It is very interesting to read all of your comments and think over what you have written. I was reminded this morning of what life was like when we first arrived in Ukraine (and that was a few years after conditions began to improve!) - when one of the American families would find something usually not available in the store or market, they'd come home and immediately call everyone else to let them know it was there. "Peanut butter! It's available at...!!!!" One time it was Captain Crunch!! (so needed and nutritious! smile) Even today, if I found peanut butter somewhere I would immediately call our team mate and a couple other Ukrainians I know who like it, to let them know where it is - on the cell phone, from the store, while I'm looking at it (I'd even buy several jars right then for them). My husband is in the States at a conference - and I sent a shopping list with him - things to pick up that we cannot buy here. Do I feel guilty? No. Do I feel extravegant. Maybe a little. Will I do it again? Of course!

I heard today that a pastor of one of our supporting churches has been preaching this month on the same idea as 30DoN. I am glad more people are becoming aware and are caring for the poorest of the poor. Friends - even though it is hard, even though you have your shopping lists made out (no? bet you have one in your head!), what you are doing IS making a difference now and for the future. After going on a weird buying frenzy the first time I went home after living here 3 years, I calmed down, realized that the "stuff" would still be there tomorrow if I really wanted it - and realized that I really didn't need much of what I'd bought. I'd lived without it for most of 3 years and did just fine. In fact, I eventually gave away most of that "stuff" after I returned to Ukraine. On the other hand, I still have 4 boxes of stuff right now in Colorado, waiting since February, until we have enough money and the timing is right, to have it shipped over. Stuff like books, peanut butter, pop corn, DVDs, CDs. Most of it is for us, some of it is for ministry use, some of it is gifts for friends here. I've thought a lot about those boxes while reading your posts this month!

[Columbine]

Footnote - yes, DVDs and CDs are available here, just about anything you might ever dream of wanting, and quite cheap as a matter of fact. But they are bootlegged - illegal copies. If we buy them (which I confess we do on occasion if we think it might really be a legitimate one), it is actually participating in theft due to copyright laws. There are many interesting ethical decisions on all sorts of things that must be made when you live in a poor(er) country! Even food can be from illegal sources. Plus, do we buy cheaper (and support the illegal underground mafia) or buy more expensive (and support a legitimate businessman and the obvious mafia). Decisions, decisions.

[molly]

It's interesting that they say that a human being can hardly think about anything beyond food, shelter, and survival if those things are not being met, OR if those things are very difficult to provide.

Our ability to HAVE leisure, including time to be intellectual, time to *enjoy* shopping, etc, really comes out of NOT having to wash our clothes by hand and kill our own chickens and sow our own fields all with rudimentary equipment at best...

So it is just really interesting to hear you ponder on the exhaustion of it all. Hm. I"m appreciating the moments to sit here and type even more now...thanks.

[Krina]

Tonia, I can't express it very well, but I am touched by the fact that you are finding this challenge a struggle. Crazy I know, but I think it is because it puts things into perspective for me. It is easy to compare our lives against the extremes of poverty in the world and find strength to give things up for those causes, it is another to live out of our lives in a world of plenty and choose not to (or choose to not want to) "participate." Does that make sense? Sorry if it is ramblings.
Thanks for the heart felt reflections. Krina

[Tonia]

everyone,

I can't tell you how heavy I've been this week...sure that you would all be disappointed in my lack of insight, my lack of enthusiasm. I appreciate your kindness and support so much...and the fact that you see growth despite my downhearted posts...well, that just shows how God is always at work in us, even in our weakest moments.

Thanks.

[Julana]

Tonia,
I don't think of you as selfish, just human. Your post made me think of the lines:
Frail children of dust, and feeble as frail,
In Thee do we trust, nor find Thee to fail.
********
All flesh is as grass.
********
He knows we are but dust (or something like that).

I know I would have ended up as you have, but I feel it is more human weakness than selfishness--in my case, at least.
I also think some of the cultures that are living in those states of deprivation sometimes have more community support and sharing of burdens than we have going on here. And living without many of those things, you might eventually develop strengths that enable you to cope with their absence, and even appreciate the freedom that comes with it. But that takes time, and a large number of people around you need to be in the same position.
(I'm just thinking of the time I spent in the bush.)
I wasn't laughing at you specifically, but at our common lot of being finite, frail, and dependent.

[at a hen's pace]

Well, I promised that this month I'd pay attention, if nothing else...so I've posted my musings here:

http://atahenspace.blogspot.com/2006/09/30-days-of-nothing-update.html

I had not read this post before I started mine...and so I hope the tone doesn't sound as if I've got it all figured out. I know what a struggle it is, because we did the 30 Days for 6 months while my husband was unemployed last year. (And I bet that was probably easier, because we just didn't have the money. "Cheating" was only cheating ourselves. Fasting is easier, too, when there's no food available!)

But when I began processing, I discovered surprisingly strong feelings about consumerism--motivated less by the plight of the poor...and more by concern for the next generation, especially the kids God has entrusted me with.