;)
lower
Wednesday, July 2, 2008 at 07:53AM 
a friend asked how i felt about the need for our son to seek long-term help outside the family: was i bitter? angry? disappointed that all the years of work have still ended up in this place?
i thought about it for awhile. i've known other families in similar situations, watched them ache with grief and disbelief and nurture their humiliation into resentment. perhaps christian families are more prone to such feelings as most of us operate under the unspoken belief that if we do the right things we will get the right result. finding that your best intentions, hard work, prayer and sacrifice have still led you to the psychiatric ward, the sheriff in your driveway and a social worker can be devastating. after all i've given, after all i've done....this is what i get?
i turned my friend's question over in my head, peeked around inside my heart, feeling in the tender places for anger or bitterness....but no, that is not what i found there. amazingly - and completely to my surprise - i discovered that God had been there before me, and He had filled every corner with wells of love and compassion.
so often we find ourselves standing tall on a mountain of ideas and principles; strong and steady, we are ready to weather the storm. but anyone can tell you that when the winds howl, the highest point is also the most vulnerable. it's said that when a tornado comes, you should "go lower"; find the lowest, flattest place you can and stay there until the storm passes by.
somewhere along our journey, God gradually led us down off our little hilltops labeled "rescuer", "good parent", "success", "miracle-worker", and taught us to lie down flat on the ground, close to the dirt from which we come. from that position, words like "rest", "wait", "trust" and "be still" have powerful meaning.
today, there is no scent of pre-heaven victory in the air; all we can smell is the earth in our nostrils, elemental and too familiar. but we find that down here, lower than the wind, is where we find the fragrance of Christ: service and love in this life, hoping for a beautiful tomorrow where all is repaid, all is restored.
this is what we are learning: down here, success is not measured the same as it is on the hilltop. in this place, love is the only measuring stick and the only real command. over and over i find the Lord telling me to just love...and let Him stand up and face the tornado.
it keeps things pretty simple.
"From the heights we leap and flow
To the valleys down below;
Sweetest urge and sweetest will
To go lower, lower still."
Hind's Feet on High Places, by Hannah Hurnard
thank you for all your prayers and emails. several times one of your emails or comments have come exactly when i needed it, filled with exactly what i needed to hear. the Lord has used each of you to strengthen me during this time. thank you for being His willing servants.
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Thank you for blogging this. I am having a rough time with my 16-year old with FAS. I needed these words. They were like a balm and helped me focus on what I already knew but was having trouble seeing.
Powerful.
This is a lesson that us moms with high ideals need to learn even if we don't have a child with special needs.
I go to this place in my mind continually: "whatever brings us to God is best."
Tonia, you share truths amazingly.
How I am learning from you, dear one!!! Thank you for your words Tonia.
I've removed some pre-conceived (and false) ideas and notions.
God brings you to my mind several times a day; please know that I am praying for you and your precious family!
I feel at such a loss for words Tonia. I think I know a little of that place. For us it is health problems and the lesson - the rock bottom lesson - is trust and surrender. It isn't having enough faith or praying harder or doing more - for me it is letting go (oh how very hard that is - to surrender the control I really don't have any way) and believing that God really is all He has said He is and that He will do all He has promised. Sometimes those aren't the things we want Him to do. We really had a miracle in mind. He may have something else. But I have come to believe that the something else will somehow be the greater blessing. I heard a sermon on grace this sunday that touched my heart so deeply. In all honesty I haven't wanted grace. I've wanted the miracle - for it to go the way I have planned. To accept that there will be grace no matter what happens requires such trust in the One who offers it. I have had to release my tight-fisted grip over and over and surrender so many times.
Life is just plain hard sometimes. My heart hurts for you. I will pray that His peace will fill your hearts as you rest in Him. I pray too, that His perfect will will be accomplished in all of this. It comes with so much love.
I'm sorry - for someone who was "at a loss for words" I certainly had a lot to say Tonia. I just want you to know you are prayed for and loved.
Tonia, this post was inspired--breath-catchingly beautiful.
"today, there is no scent of pre-heaven victory in the air; all we can smell is the earth in our nostrils, elemental and too familiar"
Aaah, thank you for sharing God from ground zero.
a big hug from me to you, friend.
love you!
~stacy
Tonia?
Best for me to say little, lay down in the dirt with you, reach around and find your hand, squeeze hard, and yes, let God meet the tornadoes.
He's using you to lead us to good --better---places, Tonia -- down off pride mountains and into the lower places. God gives you stirringly beautiful words, profoundly wise, humble ways.
Know we're with you in prayer, in hearts...going lower.
All my love, T...
Ann
I'm all too familiar with the smell of dirt, and the remembrance brings me to tears for you. What a powerful image you have painted with words - Jesus doing battle with the tornado...And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, “Peace! Be still!” And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm. You are dearly loved, Tonia, and I, too, am with you in prayer.
Still praying. (My comment never made it onto the other page). Thank you for sharing your life (the sweet and the sad) with us. And your beautiful words. I think you are teaching us as you go along. So good to know that His love is so deep and wide and long and high that it completely covers us. In all times and circumstances too. Peace to you.
You have been and continue to be in my prayers.
Very very touching words.
Love you...
Tonya,
Ann said it so much better (she has such a gift! As do you!) but I join you in the dirt and elements in prayer, for your son, and for my brother (very similar story) and for all these "angels unawares" we entertain. Blessings, love, and peace to you dear one.
"God will look to every soul like its first love because He is its first love." CS Lewis
Faith, hope, love but the greatest of these is Love.
A broken child, a broken mama. In your brokenness, he will see the brokenness of God and the depth of God's love for him. In brokenness grace is able to flow. Without brokenness there is no healing. In brokenness, I realize the depth of my need. Healing birthed in brokenness is not easily forgotten.
Those who have suffered in the body are done with sin. This is birthing new victories for him. New victories.
I have found it helpful in times of great warfare to prayerfully and mentally put on the full armor of God, Eph 6, before I step out of bed.
May the belt of truth be fully around your family; that no deception might enter in. May the breastplate of His righteousness protect you in every way and make you righteous. May your feet be fitted with peace for all you come into contact with, including your child. May grace rest upon your head in the helmet of salvation. May your shield of faith in Him, extinquish all the arrows of the enemy and may the Word of God sustain you in this time.
Lord, put the armor upon this child, that he may stand. You are the overcomer, but that he would stand. We call this young man into manhood in you. We say in the name of Christ, be fitted with weapons for overcoming the enemy onslaught upon you. God is your very great overcomer. You will stand and overcome through Him alone and we know it is the will of God for you to stand. We claim it from Eph 6. Be loved. There is hope. There is freedom. There is healing. There is a future, but it is ONLY found in Him. Seek Him and He will be found.
I sit here with humble tears in my eyes. I have been having it rough with my young son. Something I never expected at such a tender age.Thanks for reminding me who is in control.He equips those he calls we only need to stand and listen something I am still learning. God Bless!
tonia,
i'll hang in the dirt with you. i am already there anyway. :) your words are both revelation and inspiration. thinking about all of you........a lot. xoxox
love,julie
The Lord is near to the lowly in heart. Your words remind us of how very true that it. When we lie down in the dirt with him, endeavoring only to be faithful, to hold on to Him, to love, he meets us and sustains us. Praise God for the way he has guarded your hearts from bitterness and resentment. Continuing to pray, dear heart.
sending you love, Tonia - and to your husband, your precious boy in hospital, and the other children.Thank you for every word you wrote.
I have been a reader of your blog for a while now and have commented a couple of times before. After reading your last posts I thought the last thing you probably needed was a stranger commenting on such personal situation.
But I had to respond. This post really touched me so much.
I pray that you, your family and your son will be lifted up out of this valley soon.
The Lord seems to carve these sorrows in our hearts sometimes for reasons that are hard to understand.
Yet in our sorrow he always stays close to us.
Blessings to you
Suzy
Tonia,
As i sit with your heart beating through your words here, i remember Betsy ten Boom and her heart beating through some words long ago.
i discovered a man named Nathanael who wrote about Ms. ten Boom. May this offering minister to you . . .
In “The Hiding Place,” just before Betsy ten Boom died in the concentration camp, she looked her sister Corrie in the eye and feebly said, “…must tell people what we have learned here. We must tell them that there is no pit so deep that He is not deeper still. They will listen to us, Corrie, because we have been here.”
There is no pit so deep,
That Jesus is not deeper still,
How do we know?
We’ve been there.
There is no pit so deep
That Jesus is not deeper still,
How do we know?
He has been there.
There is no pit no deep,
That His love is not deeper still,
Make sure you tell someone.
- Nathanael Manthey
the earth we hug is damp with tears ... a watering of promise ... i add mine to yours.
*tears*
And prayers. . .
yes, prayers for you and your family. keep thinking true thoughts about God.
Hi Tonya,
My heart aches for the things you are going through with your son. I can fully understand. About 2 months ago we had to report Emily as a runaway and have her brought home by the police. It was such a surreal situation.
I am one of those parents who expected a particular outcome from our style of parenting, but I am finding that God expects only my obedience and He will bring about the outcome in His timing. My daughter is unique and has to travel her own road--not the one that I think is best for her. I takes a long time to really let those dreams and aspirations for our children go, and let them struggle through life on their own. God does have them tightly clutched in His hands. I am so thankful for that.
You and your family will be in my prayers and my thoughts. Really, it is comforting to know that others are walking on a similar road,
Thank you for sharing about your journey with your son. I'm going to print out your entry to have by my computer. My family is experiencing some of what you are experiencing, and what you have written is what I need to embrace for our lives going forward.