;)
He is near (FASD and special needs adoption)
Wednesday, March 26, 2008 at 11:01PM ***originally written as a guest feature at Adventures in Mercy - Dec. 2007***
I sit uncomfortably on the edge of an overstuffed bench right next to the counseling office’s front door. Across from me a boy in his late teens is stuffing tobacco in the space between his lower lip and gum. I catch his eye accidentally and maddeningly feel my face grow hot. He smirks and ducks his head down. Another door to the left of me opens and two more teenage boys shuffle out. They seem huge, made fat and puffy by their coats and backpacks, oversized jeans and flopping shoes. The tallest one sits right next to me, consuming the small space that was left on the bench. I resist the urge to pull back and try to smile welcomingly. The two boys begin a loud and strange conversation about snowboarding, music and food. I turn away just a bit and look back at the thick file in my hands.
“Birth mother admits only to drinking two beers while pregnant….mother and baby both tested positive for cocaine after delivery…..Fetal Alcohol Effects is highly suspected….Current foster home is willing to adopt….”
It has been years since I read over this report. The tears strike my eyes hard and fast. I swallow and turn my back a little more to the spreading boy beside me. He is untangling headphone wires and dropping candy wrappers at my feet. Quietly, I close the file, scanning the remaining contents from memory. There are reams of paper detailing medical issues, physical therapy appointments, education plans, counseling appointments: the fluttering trail of a childhood marred by drug and alcohol effects.
I’ll add more paper to the file today; paperwork for the next stage in this journey. FASD teens frequently show destructive and deviant behaviors. 60% of diagnosed victims end up in the legal system.1 My thirteen year old son has arrived at this stage as if on cue. These cluttered, defiant boys that litter the waiting room could be my boy. And I am one of these parents: the ones who looked harassed and helpless; wearing their impotence with a stunned air.
Finally, the counselor walks into the waiting room with her benign smile and collects me. I talk nervously and unnecessarily as we wind through the corridors. The counselor is calm and cool, entirely in charge, making me feel even more inept. I try to remember that this is not about me today and swallow some more pride.
As soon as I sit down in the cramped office I notice the Scripture on her wall and the tears fly at my eyes again. Thank You, I whisper inside. I had been nervous about the County Mental Health Department and filled God’s ears with prayers for guidance over the last week. He is near.
For an hour we fill out paperwork, trying to get a sense of the issues currently facing us.2
The counselor begins, “On a scale of 1-5, 1 being ‘never,’ and 5 being ‘always,’ please rate D’s behaviors:
Aggressive with others?”
“4”
“Lies or makes up stories?”
“5”
“Has difficulty getting along with peers?”
“5”
“Steals?”
“4”
“Uses inappropriate or vulgar language?”
“5”
“Feels isolated, lonely, misunderstood?”
“5”
“Expresses suicidal thoughts?”
“4”
And on and on we go. When we are finished the three page questionnaire is littered with ‘4’s’ and ‘5’s’ and I feel oddly liberated. The counselor remains impassive, but I search her face for sympathy anyway. “Do you see what I have to deal with every day? Do you see?” I want to shout. But I just sit quietly, still as summer water.
We make plans for the next steps, and then the counselor puts a calculated yet friendly hand on my back as she ushers me towards the exit.
"This is a complicated issue. There’s probably nothing more frustrating than parenting one of these kids. They look “normal” and everyone expects them to be “normal,” but they are invisibly handicapped. It’s very, very hard,” she assures me.
I nod and speed up, hurrying myself towards the swinging doors. Suddenly, the hall feels tight and dark. Everywhere I look are baggy-eyed parents and slumping boys. I burst out of the counseling office and take a deep breath of the December air. He is near, I remind myself.
On the drive home my thoughts turn to a scene from the morning. My daughter had found the Bible I carried through my teen years, the years when I was “radical for God” and completely “sold out.” Flipping through its well-used pages I had been surprised to find the Old Testament was lined and highlighted, worn and stained from much reading. The prophetic books had notes all through the margins: “Watch out!” “Don’t be foolish!” “God is not mocked.” The New Testament was virtually untouched: except for the passages about who would not be entering the kingdom of heaven.
Those were the days when I knew how to obey God; when my life stretched out before me like a placid lake, unmarred by imperfection and foolish sin. I had set that Bible beside my adult Bible, the one I read today, and laughed. These days I was spending much more time in the New Testament, the land of grace.
I don’t need to wonder what would have happened to that pious and radical teenager had she been given her heart’s desire of decent and orderly perfection, but I shudder to think of it. A memory surfaces of my younger Law-abiding self: I am at a young moms’ Bible Study and my newly adopted son, now a toddler, is screaming his refusal to sit upright in a chair. The other mothers squirm awkwardly as I methodically give the command to “Sit up!” and then hand out spankings as he repeatedly and unwaveringly refuses. My jaw is clenched and I am determined not to “lose” to this willful boy. The battle drags on for far too long. I straighten my shoulders and try to shake the memory.
When I arrive home, my youngest boy meets me at the door. “D was mean while you were gone. And he said the “F-word.” His eyes are still wet and red from crying. I kneel down and hug him.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” he says and sighs heavily, holding open the door for me.
We go inside and I look on the scene to which I’ve returned. D is standing on the couch, books are strewn across the floor and there is sharp tension in the air. Letting out a high pitched scream, he jumps down. My oldest son rolls his eyes and grabs his things to leave the room. “I’m glad you’re back,” he mutters as he passes me. D is now wrestling with the dogs and yelling, but I have seen him look up at me nervously a couple of times, so I know he is wondering about the appointment.
When we finally get a moment alone, I wrap him in my arms and whisper, “I love you.” It is an effort, a gift I give to him. More importantly it is a gift I give to Him, with deep thanks. Thirteen years of living with this boy has shown me the truth of the Gospel. We are maddeningly persistent sinners, and we are beyond all mortal help. Yet every day our Father pours out love, gentleness, guidance and undeserved grace. Tomorrow we will look Him in the eye and disobey. Tomorrow we will lie and cheat and steal and be cruel and mind-numbingly selfish. And He knows it. He will give more grace tomorrow.
And the tomorrow after that.
And after that.
And after that.
He is near.
1 http://fascenter.samhsa.gov/documents/WYNK_Criminal_Justice5.pdf 2 http://www.fetalalcoholsyndrome.org/Developmental%20Overview.pdf
View Printer Friendly Version
Email Article to Friend
Reader Comments (19)
How my heart wfeeps at this; for you, your son, and Joshua.
Joshua was a student of mine years ago. Frightenly intelligent, with no control and violent tendencies. I have often wondered...why? and... now what?
He was the one blamed for all the family's problems. Never mind witenssing Dad trying to kill Mom, severe trauma, abuse by others.
Looking at it, those things may have contributed. I'm sure they did, but still, as I read the lists on the links you posted it was as though I was looking at him.
Setting fires, running away, drugs, desire to please, but no earthly idea how to...
Diagnosed ADHD. Maybe. The first time I met him, his Mom ran through a litany of his sins. So easy to blame the child. Where is the parental responsibility in this one? (Knowing it is NOT always about the parent.) A thought I couldn't shake--what is she trying to hide? Still can't.
Met more of the family. His aunt and cousins. I'm not thinking he the only one with...issues.
Only ten years old when I met him. A long, hard year, trying to love and teach and provide a safe place for a few hours a day, being a buffer.
Time passed, we've kept in touch some. He struggles. Jesus helps. I pray he clings to Him.
Wondering, what more could I have done? do? I still pray. Wish I could erase the pain.
Thanks for being real and sharing your life with us.
Kimberly,
When you think how prevalent alcohol is in our culture and how little it takes to damage a brain in utero, you really begin to think about all the people who struggle to overcome troubles and whose behaviors mystify us. I'm sure FASD is far more widespread than we realize. It's amazing to me that it is so undiscussed and unknown.
Add family troubles to the mix and your heart just breaks for kids like Joshua. I pray the church begins to tackle these issues head on and make a difference with these kinds of kids. I can tell you for sure though, that if we want to be effective in these areas we will have to abandon our "perfect Christian" parenting ideals and be a grace people.
Thanks for sharing your own heart and experience.
God bless,
Tonia
Sweet Tonia,
I don't really know what to say except how thankful I am for the grace that wraps arms around ths selfish, prideful, willful, rebellious self and says I love you in ways I cannot begin to fathom.
I pray that as you pour love and grace into this precious boy you will feel that same love and grace flowing back in infinite measure.
Blessings to you. You lift my spirit.
(((Tonia)))
Where did I miss this?
I am speechless.
So I am praying.
And may your mercy, grace, and love be multiplied.
All I can say is THANK-YOU. My son is diagnosed with ADHD. Of course, I didn't really believe in that diagnosis before I had a child with it! All those..."must have trouble at home", "lack of discipline" comments ring in my ear. As I too marked all 5's on the diagnostic test...the tension somewhat lifted. But I cried...oh I cried! Could it be that my child couldn't help these behaviors??? Oh dear Lord, have I shown him the kind of mercy and grace that you show me??? What a terrible trial for a child to endure...to be unable to control his impulses..to be unable to function normally in social settings...to want to do good but become so frustrated at trying and failing that he feels helpless. Oh God, this is my child. SHAME ON ME!! SHAME ON MY OWN LACK OF UNDERSTANDING! He has humbled me greatly in this. And I thank Him daily. How else would I have learned? How else would I have been taught this kind of patience? How else would I have learned to LOVE THE BULLY!! We as "Christians" need to quit jumping to conclusions when we see a child that "looks normal" acting very "not normal". I have felt the MOST judged in christian settings. How can that be?? And then, He gently reminds me of my own judgements, my own assumptions. And I quietly say, Thank you Lord, may your grace and mercy pour forth from my life. Thank you for NOT giving me what I deserve. Death is God's key to life...may I lie down on the alter that YOU might live through me? That my little struggling, hurt boy would see YOU clearly??
Rusell Kelfer once said "The seeds of greatness come in faded packages planted by God in the garden of adversity, but they bloom into a fullness that puts the bouquets of this world to shame". May this be true in my own life, and also in the lives of those "special" children that we struggle with, cry with, and love everyday. And may we remember as we lie still in our garden of adversity that HE IS GRACE!
Julie
Julie,
I so understand what you are saying. Nothing has done more to grow His grace in my life than raising this boy...and there is far, far to go.
I pray that you will find deep and abiding joy and strength in the Lord as you love your son.
I have found many dear, like-minded, and understanding friends online and it has been such a comfort. Sometimes just knowing someone else understands gives tremendous peace.
I'll be praying for you today. Thanks for stopping by and sharing a bit of your story.
Tonia
Tonia--
This brought tears to my eyes--for you, for D, for myself. I, too, am a "maddeningly persistent sinner." I want to be a good example for my children, and I fail so utterly, so frequently! Praise be for the land of grace.
--Jeanne
It's been a while since I read your blog, and when I saw this post on FASD I had to take time to read it. Why is it so encouraging to know other people are going through this too? I am not sure, but I thank you for being vulnerable enough to share. Like Julie commented, I have been greatly humbled by raising a child like this and I know God is doing a work in my life though I often feel I am going backwards. Yesterday as dd smeared noodles all over her face (she is five) I thought, Will she be doing this when she's 15? But then I read your post and know I'll be grateful if that's the worst she's doing at 15. Yesterday was rough (as you well know, there were many more issues than the noodles), but His grace is here again today. He is near! Thanks for the reminder.
I have no words of wisdom, I just wanted to let you know how much this post touched me. We are struggling with pFAS and developmental issues too. I doubt I can keep my daughter safe much longer. I have had worries about a marginalized adulthood... not marginal, just marginalized -- socailly, economically, and professionally. I am trying to learn to live for today and remember that God has given me the resources every time I needed them to help my daughter (and not a moment too soon). I am more into planning and being certain. I guess I will have to walk by faith instead.
Thanks for sharing your heart.
Kim,
yes, i do know how it is many more issues than the noodles...so hard to explain to others and so frustrating to work with day by day.
i've found that the Lord pours out abundant grace with each step of the way...day at a time, moment by moment. just keep your eyes on the Author and Finisher and you will never fall.
thanks so much for stopping by. it's always nice to see a fellow Oregonian!
**************************
Julie,
i feel those fears too, reaching up to choke my faith sometimes. oh my, the future is dim unless we cling to the One and only Hope. i too, am a planner and a doer...walking by faith is so difficult. i suppose that is why He gave me this path to follow...but it certainly stretches!
both you and Kim are in my prayers today and your daughters.
thanks for stopping by,
tonia
Tonia,
Thanks for stopping by my dd's blog and for your prayers...they mean SO much.
In His Grip,
Kim
He led me to your post yesterday ...via Ann. I was in need of community, words of truth..."He is near," and a tangible reminder that if He can guide my blog wondering, than how much more intentional is He in giving knowledge and understanding (Proverbs 2:1-6)in the real issues of my heart.(ie ...loving well, raising, training, while giving thanks for a son with FASD) I sent this link to several family members and treasured friends b/c your words were beautifully written ....emphasis on your responsibility first to the Lord, and our plight as sinners...so in need of His grace. Living day in and day out with several children, one with a different set of issues, is hard to articulate to others when the "looking normal factor" can be so deceiving on the outside. Just under the surface are rivers of anger, frustration, confusion. Only Jesus has the power to redeem these maddening rivers for His glory.
Be encouraged sister... the Lord is using your vulnerable words to strengthen His Bride.
With a Heart Full...
Jessica
jessica,
it's so nice to hear from you, and to know that the Lord brought you here when you needed it.
i know what a treasure it is to find other families who know what you are going through.
please feel free to email or connect whenever you need that reassurance that someone else understands. :)
God bless and I will be praying for your family today.
tonia
I found your blog through another FASD Mom's blog, and I'm glad I did. We are dealing with FASD in my family and it really helps to read about other people's experiences with it and with their kids. Thanks for sharing.
Wow, I read this again after seeing it at Amy's blog and I am just like Wow.
Isn't is amazing how our kids grow the more the Gospel is real. FASD or not. (though I know FASD is very, very, difficult, please do not misunderstand me as flippant on this.)
Thanks for opening your heart, Tonia.
You write beautifully of something that is so heart-wrenching. But, God is near! Thankfully!
God bless,
Sallie
I greatly appreciate you sharing your thoughts/experiences with FAS, and more importantly the Biblical reminders.
It is refreshing to read/hear another adoptive mom recognize and embrace God's wise, loving, and sovereign plan in their life.
I will never forget the day when we entered into the world of FAS. Having just brought a son and daughter home from Russia, our pediatrician was giving them a first check up. Looking at our son's face, he asked, "Did you realize that your son has Fetal Alcohol Syndrome?" This was something I had not previously even heard of, but that one comment started me on a search for information and a journey that has taught me much and shown me God's grace over and over.
Thank you for your gracious writing on this difficult topic.
Blessings
Ramona
maia,
FASD takes a toll on the whole family. I would be interested in hearing your perspectives as a sister. So glad you stopped by.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Andrea,
I totally understand, and you are right. The mysteries of God are big enough and small enough to meet every need.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sallie,
Welcome, and thank you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Connie,
Welcome. I am so encouraged when I meet other adoptive moms. Yes, it is His plan and we can trust Him. It's something to remind ourselves every day.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ramona,
What a shock that must have been! But I am so glad you received a good diagnosis from the first. That must be so helpful. Bless you as you travel this road.
tonia